The beautifully complex emotions of polyamory

One of the joys for me of being polyamorous is the incredibly unique human experiences and nuanced emotions that you experience as a result. It’s intense but being able to experience things that there are simply no words for, where you exist in a space beyond human imagination because no-one ever taught you that script, is liberating.

But with these feelings coming thick and fast as my polyamory grows and expands I thought it’d be a fun process to try to put words to just some of the things I have experienced and will continue to experience on this journey.

Melancholic contentment

Earlier this year I had my first experience of breaking up with a long-term partner while still being partnered with someone else. And while the break up was deeply saddening being able to process that with someone that loves you and who really knew the intricacies of the relationship you were mourning (to the point where they shared in the heartbreak somewhat) was an incredibly healing experience. It brought me and my partner closer together and it also felt like together we were able to give my past relationship the space, closure and respect it deserved.

“Flitty”

Compersion is a common term within Polyamory. But as an anxious person that struggles with knowing how to navigate uncertainty at times, while simultaneously loving adventure and being surprised by all the possibilities that life brings, experiencing my partners dating escapades at a distance brings juicy cocktail of feeling. It’s kind of an exhilarated hopeful fluttery feeling but with a good dose of nervous energy which makes it more flitty … I’ll never forget staying up all night when my partner was on a date and not being able to sleep contentedly until I knew that my partner and their date had had a safe and enjoyable sexual experience together.

Metaorgasmic knowing

Wow I can still feel the deep, loving desire and contentment I felt when two of my partners first kissed each other. And then when ever I heard of or saw them connecting intimately I’d get a kind of orgasmic feeling by proxy because I had experienced sexual desire and orgasms with both of them so had a deep sense of what the two of them would be experiencing together. Given that to each other my partners were originally one another metamours I feel like metaorgasmic describes the sensation I experienced perfectly.

Coupled magnetism

My partner has dated someone who has at times contacted us interchangeably, and someone I dated used to enjoy sex with us both because it felt like he was a massive part of me and that we were one big shared embodiment. I’m realising how affirming it is, and how whole and connected it makes me feel, when people see and enjoy the larger embodiment of me and my soul mates. In return the energy that gets sparked when you and one (or more) of your loved ones develop a deep shared desire for someone else  together brings this whole new layer to experiencing the ways energy and attraction moves. As a result you can start to experience things beyond your individual human form which in my experience unlocks something incredibly spiritual and magical.

Platonic desire

As I practice relationship anarchy the false lines around what type of attraction and connection is valid or approved disintegrate. And with the freedom to explore whatever possibilities I and others wish to I often find myself forming deeper bonds with my friends as I allow myself to feel sexually and intimately attracted at times, even if neither of us want it to lead to any actual physical intimacy. That desire makes me more interested in their sexual fulfilment and in turn it brings us many layers of new conversations to explore and creates a new kind of compersion for me as platonic connections explore their sexual sides with other people.

Presence, relief and symbiosis: The endless possibilities of sex

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted something. Because, well, I’ve been living. And by that I mean really feeling and experiencing all the highs and all the lows of my existence. I’ve finally officially started reading Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown (after many years of following her content but never having the attention span for books…thanks ADHD!) and she begins early on with this:

“I have seen, over and over, the connection between tuning in to what brings aliveness into our systems and bring able to access personal, relational and communal power. Conversely, I have seen how denying our full, complex selves—denying our aliveness and our needs as living, sensual beings—increases the chance that we will be at odds with ourselves, our loved ones, our coworkers, and our neighbors on this planet.”

While her book is about all forms of pleasure, for me sex continues to be a core aspect of my life that guides me through everything. So I wanted to share some of the many things sex brings to my life beyond basic pleasure and intimacy.

Presence

As someone with a racing ADHD mind it is only within the last couple of years that I’ve started to learn how to experience complete clarity and bliss. And my capacity to access that state didn’t come from mindfulness or meditation, it came from sex. There are times during sex when a movement feels like it could go on forever and I get completely lost in the smallest of sensations. I’ve since been able to hone my presence in other spaces within my life but sex is by far the fastest way for me to be present in the here and now.

A deeper understanding of my identity

I’ve written previously about gender fluid play. But the sex I’ve had over the last few years has completely transformed my understanding of myself in a multitude of ways. It is a space where all the different energies and spirits within me can be seen and explored. At times my partner feels like he is having sex with multiple people. It is the way that different sides of my learn to exist harmoniously together. Where nothing needs to be hidden and repressed.

Non-verbal communication

As an autistic person I find that my words often don’t match my thoughts, and that I’m constantly anxious about being misunderstood. The physicality I have with my partner was a form of processing and that goes beyond sex too. We’ve found ourselves using forms of kink or playfighting to grapple with complex differences and I can’t wait to deepen this practice at the Conscious Playfighting session with Open Relating.

Multi-dimensional orgasms

Sometimes when I orgasm I come around after and say to my partner “woah that took me to a crazy place” because sex can completely transform my experience of the universe. I’ve had times where I feel like I’ve experienced all of my past and future orgasms at once. Where it has very literally blown my mind and the only way to describe the sensation is like I’m travelling through space and time.

Other people’s orgasms

As a polyamorous person I’m very lucky that I get to witness and experience lots of people’s orgasms in a very real way. But sometimes I can experience them even when it’s just me and my partner present physically. Quite often when my partner is forming a new connection with another person they will pop up during sex and I’ll imagine what they might experience when my partner pleasures them and it is honestly like my being completely shifts in response to the energy.

Symbiosis

When I get completely lost in sex I experience me and my partner merging in ways where it feels like we two parts of a larger body. Or where I become an extension of their limbs, or they becomes an extension of mine. There have been times when I’ve been orally pleasuring someone and it’s felt like I’m doing that to myself, or vice versa. To feel the flow between organisms in this way is magical and helps me to understand the way the natural world is connected.

Stress relief

I’ve written before about how my relationship with orgasms used to solely centre around stress relief. I used to feel ashamed about the fact I’d often masterbate 5 or 6 times a day to regulate myself due to such high levels of anxiety. And sex with other people would often result in anxiety which I’d go to the toilet to relieve after having pretended to come. Thankfully sex completely shifted for me over the last few years and this is no longer the case. But I continue to use it at times as a form of regulation and if you ask me a wank is much healthier than a pack of cigarettes.

Endless possibilities

Sex has taught me how expansive our lives can be. It is beautiful to finally be in a place where I know there is a never-ending space to explore. As I grew up and through my 20s my understanding of sex was so limited and narrow, and that reflected itself in my life and generated feelings of stagnancy, claustrophobia and apathy. Now that I can see how endless and infinite the possibilities of sex are, I can see how endless the possibilities for how we choose to live are. There are so many ways of shaping our lives, our work, our relationships and there is pleasure and exhilaration that comes from experiencing the expansive beautiful complexity of our existence.

Gender fluid play

Gender is an incredibly fluid concept for me these days and fully embracing that within myself, and exploring that with my partners, is what has enabled me to be more deeply connected during sex, and shown me the expansive possibilities of all the different ways we can be intimate with one another.

I used to be fairly repulsed by penises. It is what made me first presume I must be a gay woman. But now I realise I was actually a non-binary person with a masculine side I'd been hiding from. And it was through sex with one of my current partners that I was finally able to fully acknowledge this.

Your dick or mine?

I’ve talked in the past about how sex took on an entirely new meaning when I met my partner. One of the things that was different with him, in comparison to other seemingly heterosexual sex I’d had in the past, was that he was willing to explore our bodies in ways that extended beyond the rigid forms of sex I’d been used to. I still remember the first time he slid his up alongside my clitoris from behind me and the feeling of rubbing it against me as if I had a penis myself. My pleasure at feeling like his penis was mine got us both excited to play around with it in different ways and we discovered there were so many ways for us both to experience pleasure from sharing his penis. Playing around with how I straddled him so that as he moved inside me it felt like I was actually moving inside him, or lying on our backs with our legs intertwined and periniums touching while I wank him off.

Sometimes we’ll become so deeply connected that when he ejaculates from blow jobs or hand jobs I feel the pleasure run all through me too to the point where I’m more satisfied than if my own body had climaxed. And he has experienced the same through my orgasms too.

Phantom penises

I joked in a polyamory WhatsApp group I’m part of that a ‘one penis policy’ is ridiculous because sometimes I feel like I have a phantom penis. And it turns out it wasn’t just a concept I was making up and one of the people in the group shared a lecture on the topic of ‘energy genitals’

One of my favourite things to do with my partners is to press my clitoris right up on his perineum or on my other partners vagina. Sometimes when we connect in this way we can intensely focus on the sensations and it feels like my penis is inside of them. The first time I got myself to the point of climax like this with my partner said it felt like his boyfriend had just come inside of him.

Sometimes my brain experiences dysphoria if it comes out of the fantasy. And I’ve had extreme emotional meltdowns during sex at times as a result. Its why sex toys like double ended dildos don't work too well for me. It feels less like an extension of my body and that can create a dysphoria which rips me out of the moment.

Endless combinations

It’s not just different ways of using our respective genitals and ‘energy genitals’ that has made our sex so fluid and expansive. My partner often says he feels like he’s in a polyamorous relationship just with me because of the different energies we bring into our relationship and sex. There are times when we can do exactly the same sexual acts but one time it feels like we are boyfriends and the next time it feels like we are girlfriends. We’ve had times where the energy between three of us during a threesome has meant my partner’s penis hasn’t been present at all, and other times where it has been a central feature. And outside of sex sitting with my arms around my boyfriends shoulders in the cinema when he’s in a a super camp vibe is an incredibly profound and wholesome experience for me. He’s over 6ft and I’m only just 5ft 5, but somehow I can feel big and sturdy during those times. And other times I feel tiny in comparison to him as I snuggle up in his chest.

The binary disconnects us all

One thing I’ve realised through exploring different gender roles in sex and relationships is that heteronormative cisgender sex and binary roles limits all of us - regardless of you gender or sexuality. Our human bodies are capable of so much more pleasure than what is handed to us through gendered roles. The rigidity of how men and women are supposed to achieve climax (or in many heteronormative relationships how just the man climaxes) limits our sensual experiences and our capacity to truly see all the layers of our human experiences.

What gender fluid play have you tried? Do you experience any dysphoria with parts of you during heteronormative sex? How has the binary limited your experiences in the past?

I’d love to chat more to people who are in the process of exploring their gender beyond the binary, whether it’s in relation to sex or not, so I might start a little gender non-conforming pleasure WhatsApp chat. DM me on my instagram if you are interested!

The gifts that polyamory gave me in 2022

When I reflected on how secure and loved I felt on the first Christmas I’d spent alone I realised there are gifts that my relationships and my polyamorous community and mindset has given me this year which are far beyond what I would’ve believed was possible when I first came out as polyamorous two years ago.

I wanted to share a few of the beautiful things I’ve gained as part of this journey to date but there’s so much more that I’ll be expanding on in posts throughout January.

Validation and growth

When you are willing to let yourself and those you love experience love from all angles it provides endless opportunities for building a deeper connection with yourself and pushing your potential as a human. For me the point of being in relationship with others has always been about growing together, even if it’s a fleeting connection it is valuable relationship if I have learnt more than I have lost. This sense of validation and growth doesn’t have to come via polyamorous relationships but the effect is multiplied when you’ve got a diverse group of loving humans who reflect back the different parts they love about you, help you to see the things you didn’t notice or understand before, and hold you accountable in your journey to becoming a better human.

Freedom and security

I’ve spoken to many people about the fact that one of my partners, Nick, is my first ever experience of a secure attachment. Like many people the way that I’d reassured myself in longterm relationships in the past was by remaining fiercely independent, assuming control or ultimately becoming detached from my own body to endure feelings of insecurity.

There is a solidness to my connection with Nick that I can physically feel. And it is that which makes us great at giving one another freedom to explore. Many people say polyamory for them is about ‘not expecting one person to be everything to them’ or having multiple people to meet multiple needs but that’s not the case for me. While I don’t expect or ever want Nick to meet all my needs or to be everything, the success of our polyamory to date is a result of the fact that mine and Nick’s bond is so deep that it could fill our hearts enough on it's own, and so secure that we know it will weather anything and everything. Contrary to the protectiveness that many couples create when they fall deeply in love, our love massively reduces anxiety around exploring other deep connections or the possibility of accidentally ending up in a toxic situation.

This isn’t intended to signify a hierarchy in how we relate to other partners, but more that a profound freedom and security for both of us was born out of our attachment and laid the foundations for us both to explore and confidently build meaningful relationships with others. And even if the shape of our relationship changes, we both know that what we’ve built together and within each other will endure.

Continuous curiosity

When you have the first two gifts it’s easy to remain in a fairly constant state of curiosity about the world around you. I still have plenty of anxiety due to my trauma and my autism but each day I connect more deeply to this endless source of universal knowledge and wisdom which calms me and allows me to flow through far more than I ever imagined.

My interests and my social interactions are deepening and widening as I learn to love simply being intrigued by the people around me, and allowing people to be intrigued by me and my life in return.

While this capacity to be continuously curious isn’t unique to polyamory it is becoming more and more apparent that many straight monogamous friends have so much that they take as a given - they rarely seem to lift up the surface to see what magic hides beneath. This is immediately apparent when they dismiss my gender or polyamory as being ‘something inconsequential’ or totally gloss over it. Whereas some of my favourite conversations these days are when someone totally new to polyamory goes “Wow that sounds beautifully complex, tell me more!” or when they haven’t understood the nature of “non-binary” people before and build the courage to ask detailed questions about how I experience gender.

Deeper friendships

Since coming out as polyamorous my friendships have flourished. And I believe this is down to two things. I’ve written before about how being polyamorous in principle can help dissolve the arbitrary divides and hierarchy between platonic connections and intimate or romantic connections. I’ve had the freedom to simply allow connections to become whatever they become and as a result there is less nervousness between me and friends around what topics or behaviours are “suitable” or “unsuitable”. We shape our friendships around who we each are as people and what is unique to how we communicate.

In addition the openness I’ve shown around my journey with polyamory (and sex and gender and autism) has meant that people feel able to speak openly about their own inner thoughts, desires and confusion. I’ve talked about the joys of strap-ons (and other taboo topics like stress wanks) with straight male friends, shared the adventures I’ve had with people who enjoy living vicariously, and been someone people have felt able to confide in and ask for advice from when questioning their understanding of themselves or their partner.

Experiences beyond imagination

I’m planning a whole post about words that need to be invented for some of the feelings and experiences I encounter as part of polyamory but much of my love life this past year has been beyond what is possible to describe with the English language. Whether it’s shifting from feeling like a best friend, a soul mate, a dominatrix, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, with one partner in the space of an hour, OR having deeply spiritual threesomes that last for hours OR physically sensing the NRE (“new relationship energy”) building as I witnessed my partner kiss my other partner, OR lying in bed worrying about the anxious nerves that my partner and someone he likes are having during their first date, OR declaring my desire for a good friend and becoming more deeply connected to them as a result when they reject me.

I’ve experienced all of these things and more this year. And every time it sparks magical feelings that I never even knew were humanly possible. And there a moments where I could happily lose myself in that feeling for eternity and I’d be content. The excitement of what is possible is somewhat overwhelming now that I’ve experienced far more in a single year than I’ve experience in a life time, but this is what I think it truly means to be a living, thriving being.

Limitless love that spans time and space

When you realise you only know and experience a fraction of what is humanly possible. When deep love and connection is welcomed in every corner of your life. When you allow yourself to feel so deeply that a single kiss feels like it could last forever. Time and limits lose all meaning. Many monogamous people often say weird comments about how “maintaining one relationship is tiring enough” (which usually just makes me think they are in the wrong relationship) but I suppose the sentiment is not that dissimilar people in the polyamory community talk about being ‘polysaturated’ where they can’t sustain more partnerships, or the decision to stop having children because you can’t juggle the competing demands of them.

I understand all this in a day to day sense, particularly if you buy into societal expectations for how people should show love (no partner of mine is ever going to consistently be getting presents on their birthdays and Christmas). But I have connections who I’ve loved so deeply in a single moment that they could walk in and out of my life and our love would endure forever. Knowing that it is possible to spark that kind of love repeatedly with my partners in whatever time we have at our disposal, or that at any moment I have the capacity to spark it with someone new, is utterly profound.

If you enjoyed reading this please follow me on instagram or buy me a coffee to encourage me to keep writing and sharing!

Seeing energy and the things unsaid

My partner went out on a date the other night and I absolutely loved every moment apart from one bit when I tried to visualise him enjoying himself with the person but had no visual reference map for creating this understanding in my head. In that one moment a huge shot of anxiety rushed through me, and started to send me on a spiral of fear. My brain felt it and filled in the gaps with intrusive thoughts. 

This happens a lot to me in all sorts of contexts, but it usually happens over the phone or in the presence of someone else, and as a result it has often been misinterpreted by others as anxious attachment or jealousy when it’s completed unrelated to that. (Don't get me wrong I do a lot of work around my anxious attachment and my jealousy so I'm not saying I don't have those things) In turn that misinterpretation leads to intense meltdowns because as an autistic person I am traumatised by all the times I haven't felt able to communicate my experiences to others / when people haven't understand the nuance of my thoughts and feelings.  

But for the first time I was able to pause in the moment and say to my brain "that's interesting that you need a visual reference to map this experience onto, why is that". And a FLOOD of memories and knowledge came rushing back which helped me to understand the beautiful layer of the world that my autistic brain operates within. 

Seeing connection or disconnection

Since I was young I have been confused by secrecy surrounding love and desire, or the opposite of that resentment and distance. Everything seemed to be unnecessarily clouded with pretence and I could never work out why, and it was that that creates anxiety within my brain. A simple example is that I had a boyfriend as a teenager who quite blatantly fancied one of my best friends. I never had a problem with the fancying, it was the fact they couldn't seem to speak it out loud or acknowledge it when it was right there in front of us and I didn't understand why it was something that needed to be silenced or obscured. When he eventually slept with her a few years later I wasn't hurt by the sex, I was hurt by the fact I didn't know or understand his reasons for keeping it secret, that he was actively trying to obscure something I could *literally* see and touch.

And the latter is where I now understand my experience of connection and disconnection is different from many. I literally see it and sense it in ways others do not. Not in a "bright visual colours dancing across the room" kind of way. But in a half physical, half visual kind of sense.

 Sometimes I see two people interact and there's so much visual buzz and sensations around them due to their connection that I either get buoyed by that energy and can join in on the flow, or I get sensorily overwhelmed and can't keep up with the "standard" stuff I'm meant to pay attention to like words and body language AND the giant whirring energy surrounding the pair. 

 Other times I can enter a room of full pain and resentment and the underlying energy makes it difficult for me to breathe or to look at people. Some people in that room think I'm the weird one for not being able to socialise or maintain eye contact, but I can't understand what game everyone is playing cos the "elephant" is very literally right in front of our faces. It is a physical and visual experience for me, it is not a metaphor. 

When people don't see what I see

What I realise now is that in many instances people aren't actively trying to obscure the truth or deny my experience - they simply don't see it. 

What this means is that I'm there either pointing something out that takes them by surprise (which some people absolutely love and others get defensive around) or I'm waiting for them to acknowledge things that they simply don't connect with. And when that doesn't happen I get anxious because I then feel like I'm existing in a more confusing space than I realised. 

Just to be clear I'm not talking about people having "different points of view" or "different beliefs". I've always enjoyed exploring those differences with others and enjoy it when other people's thoughts and interpretations challenge my thoughts and interpretations. What I'm talking about is a very real, physical and visual, type of sense and experience around the layer of energy that connects or disconnects. 

Why having no visual or physical map is a challenge 

This brings me back to my starting place. One of the ways I have coped with the energy that surrounds connection is by grounding it in more "common" senses. When I first dated my girlfriend, going out in public was a challenge because she didn't like physical touch. The only way for me to not be overwhelmed by the energy between, us combined with the energy in a busy restaurant, is to be physically touching the people my connection is with. Otherwise the energy from other connections becomes distracting or I become overwhelmed by the situation. 

In addition, it's why going to familiar places is useful when I don't know what the energy dynamic is going to be. If I have to navigate seeing all of this unspoken energy AND navigate a strange environment it's a challenge. If my sense of place is secure then I can engage with the energy layer easily. 

When me and my partner were long distance living we had this huge gigantic energy connection which spanned across my world and his world. I could feel that connection running all through me and around me. But it was so big that in order to manage and cope with it I needed to visualise it alongside the physical world. But sometimes that would come up against a barrier. I didn't know what much of his physical world looked like. So when we were talking on the phone in his living room and his daughter and her mum were in the next room I couldnt ground our connection or their connections in physical space. They were all just floating there filling my senses. I had no visual map to place the connections on. And I had no way of touching him to be able to focus on the words he was saying. 

While my partner and I do lots of things like sending each other videos of the spaces we are in before we speak or text, this isn't always a viable option (I wasn't going to to get him to send me pictures of his date for instance). 

I don't yet know the answers for managing these scenarios where my experiences of connection need grounding. Or where I'm feeling and navigating the sense of energy that others aren't. But what I know is that having this clearer understanding around how I experience the world will enable me to be less anxious.

When I'm overwhelmed by something that others don't see, or overwhelmed by trying to navigate the many sensory layers I experience without having a visual map to place them on, I now have the words to explain to parts of my brain or to other humans that “I'm not a weirdo, I just experience things differently and that's okay”. And that it’s not that people are always keeping things secret from me or trying to ignore the obvious energy layer that’s present, it's that I get to know and experience these beautiful layers before others even know they exist.

7 things I've done this week that you might not associate with autism

Trigger warning: This post does mention suicidality and mental health. However it may give you a fresh lens on what it means to experience feelings of suicidality.

I’ve had many highs and lows as I’ve started to understand myself as autistic over the last year. But this week I had some profound realisations about what my brain can do when it’s allowed to operate in the way it was meant to, and the ways my body reacts when it’s not allowed to operate in the way it needs to. I’d love to hear if any of these resonate with other autistic or allistic people!

1. Drawn what I was trying to say

Sometimes I feel like the English language was not made for Autistic processing or experiences. I can often feel like I'm both in constant translation mode and that my words come out faster than I've processed what I actually mean.

When I draw scenarios, feelings or ideas it offers more nuance around what I'm actually trying to say. It tends to communicate my intentions and experiences more realistically and clearly. And it is far more soothing and reassuring for me than talking.

2. Looked up at an actual visual thought

Sometimes my face does ‘weird’ things that in the past people have been confused or disconcerted by. What this has meant is that I often mask my autistic tendencies so as not to make other people feel uncomfortable, and in turn that limits the way my brain works naturally and makes me worse at conversation/problem-solving/brainstorming etc. In contrast I love working with people like my partner and those I connect with via Collaborative Future because I mask less in conversations. And it meant that as myself and a co-facilitor, Joel, were planning a workshop this week I was able to freely say “one second”, physically look up at the intricate visual thought that was going on in my head and then communicate with more clarity on how we should run an exercise within the session.

3. Asked to be squeezed

I LOVE being squeezed. Not only does it regulate me in times of stress but it also gives me huge waves of sensory euphoria (sometimes I reckon my body enjoys squeezing more than most ‘normal’ people enjoy orgasms). Both my partners now know instinctively how to squeeze my arms when I’m feeling rejected, how to squeeze my body when I’m feeling overwhelmed, how to squeeze my head when I’m all in a muddle and it has absolutely transformed my daily life and my capacity to keep going with things.

4. Made eye contact

For years the stereotype of autistic people not making eye contact stopped me from ever actively exploring autism as an explanation for my experience of the world. However there are two completely opposing situations where I make eye contact regularly. The first is when I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable and like I need to look as “normal” as possible in order to get through a situation and where I need to be hyper aware of people’s facial expressions because I don’t yet know what all of someone’s behaviours/intonation mean. This happened at a kids birthday party this week and I was super overwhelmed by the end of it.

The second is when I’m deeply comfortable with someone and I can get lost in them or lost with them. If I know someone so well (and it can take a good year or so of continuous interaction to get to this point - and continuous questioning of what their facial expressions mean) then I can easily sit and look at them as we talk and enjoy losing the need to think about either of our faces and just hear the words.

5. Talked avidly about the intricacies of Music

One of my most enjoyable and energising moments this week was when my partner asked me how a piece of music would’ve been recorded. I could instantly visualise the recording studio that I used to go in when I was studying Music Technology as a teenager and could imagine all of the layers building up with the piece we were listening too. I also really enjoyed it when he asked me to make a very specific type of playlist for his gym sessions because I could explore a specific genre that I hadn’t been familiar with for a while, along with a direction and purpose that helped me narrow down what songs to include.

Understanding the importance of autistic special interests has been profound for me. There have been whole chunks of my life when I’ve ‘lost’ my special interests because others have seen it as unimportant or because work/relationships/children have taken over but spending a short amount of regular time building my energy & exhilaration in this way can have profoundly positive affects on my brain.

6. Been suicidal

On Monday I was seemingly suicidal. Even though I’m technically the happiest I've ever been. Living in an allistic world with an autistic mind is draining and confusing and has, I now realise, caused me an immense amount of cPTSD as a result. (I recently joked with my partner to share something "normal" and I'll tell them why it's triggering) I also wasn't able manage the signs of impending burnout and overload that were occuring for me so eventually they had to explode out of my skin and brain in a very vocal and physical way.

While someone with allistic communication and "typical" ways of rationalising situations would've seen no reason for feelings of suicidality in this moment, the physical pain and mental burden that I experience at these times can mean the only way of communicating the immenseness and intensity of it is through the idea of death and the act of self-harm.

This may sound strange to some but my partner and I actually concluded with our counsellor that in moments like that I need to be acknowledged (i.e. Yes that’s understandable that you feel that way) and then left to my own devices so that I can be comfortable doing whatever physical stimming I need to do. And in many cases it has been known to pass as rapidly as it came on. In the past this switch has left some people confused: how I can be suicidal one moment, causing them absolute devastation and out enjoying myself the next. It’s because I’m not depressed. I’ve had an intense autistic meltdown where those are the only words that come close to describing what I’m experiencing in that very moment, but once it’s been allowed to be released my body and brain feels liberated.

7. explored hundreds of pasts & futures in 15 minutes

I misheard something my partner said to me this week as a rejection of us and our life together, and as a result my brain spent time rapidly processing everything I’ve ever experienced in the past that was connected to that one sentence, and every possible route through ‘what next’ in order to problem-solve myself out of the situation. I only noticed the sheer amount of experiences and the level of detail that my brain thought through on response to this one sentence because it turned out I’d misheard and we had to go back and redo the conversation in order to unravel the image I’d built up in my head. Now we all do this at an unconscious level. The difference I find with autism (and likely trauma) is that it is happening at a conscious level and I can sometimes feel like I’m literally experiencing all of those past and future scenarios all at once. It was so intense that it rendered me mute. What it made me realise is that part of the reason I probably struggle with some “executive functioning” and social interactions is because the level at which my conscious brain is operating is off the chart. It’s processing so many layers all the time - which is great in some scenarios (like spotting the intricate team dynamics in my work around DEI & organisational culture) and awful at other times when my partner thought we were just going to have a basic conversation.

When love becomes a world of endless possibility

Some of the biggest myths within our society centre around love as a “finite” resource. That we need to 'settle down’; that it is inevitable that sex and intimacy dries up eventually in all relationships; that the presence of multiple loving relationships is a threat; that if someone gives the same love and attention they give to you to someone else it makes their love for you lesser; that we must sacrifice ourselves for love.

But over this past year or two I've discovered that love is endlessly expansive. And that relationships are only relationships if they are forever changing and morphing and growing - being shaped by and shaping the people who are part of them. We were told to ‘settle’ so we could be controlled by our capitalist, patriarchal society. So that we would be in constant deprivation of all the love, and therefore separate ourselves from each other and from our own bodies, and instead seek comfort in other non-human forms.

Each time I have sex with my partners it unlocks a new level of understanding, of peace, of clarity, of joy. And each time I feel like I could both do that act forever and am overwhelmed by how much more there is to still explore. There isn’t enough time within our lifetimes to explore the expansive possibilities of sex. Which is a world removed from how I used to understand sex. The world I used to be part of told me that sex shrunk over time and wasn’t meant to be the centre of our relationships. (Of course when I say ‘sex’ I’m meaning far more than just intercourse and foreplay - sex is so many things now that I know even if my health does not allow for physical sex there are other ways of creating these endless experiences together.)

Each time I see my partners give their love and attention to another, the love between us continues to grow and expand. I still have to wrestle with the myths I’ve been told, sure, but I am mostly overcome with pure joy that it is possible for them to love at these depths. I see our love in a new angle or light from witnessing their love. And their love and my love for others is made possible, in part, because of the expansiveness of our love. There isn’t enough time to experience every layer of love to it’s full depths.

And when you get to a place where you know that love and sex and connection is a world of endless possibilities; when you understand that there isn’t enough time to even experience all the things you know are possible (let alone the things you’ve not yet understood); you learn to enjoy and savour each gift that love brings to you. To the point where you are experiencing the most profound layers of it even in the most mundane moments. That is expansive love.

It sounds like a dreamworld as I write this. And it is to many extents. But living in this space of endless love is not necessarily a walk in the park. It’s not like you suddenly become a human that is free of the societal shackles, or where love trumps every pain and discomfort in your life. In many ways I find I feel pain in deeper and spikier ways now because every inch of my soul and body is open to receiving love. I still feel the wrath of societal shame for my choices and judgemental concern from people who don’t understand that my security now stems from love rather than fear. So much pain and hate still exists among all of us. Moving to a place where love is a world of endless possibility requires us all to journey there, and that is a long journey for sure.

But knowing that that journey is indeed possible and that the narrow stories about what love looks like or feels like were incorrect - and that I’m not sacrificing myself any more for love but instead that I am love, we are love, and it’s expansive beauty is staring us right in our faces - that gives me hope and comfort through everything.

Experiencing sensory euphoria (and sensory overload)

For the last 6 months I've been exploring the possibility that I might be Autistic. And I have got a LOT to say on this topic. But given this page is all about pleasure I want to share the most joyful aspect of my autistic experiences: sensory euphoria.

The day I learnt the word for this (thanks to Elora) a whole layer of my experience slotted into place. One of the reasons I didn't believe I had autism initially was because whilst there are many things that cause me to become burnt out due to sensory and emotional overload, there's also buckets of ecstasy that courses through my body when I experience certain sensory things too. I couldn't be autistic if 50% the time at crowded concerts I'd be overcome with ecstasy rather than anxiety?

But I realise now sensory euphoria and sensory overload are two sides of the same coin for me. For example, I have this thing whenever I experience even the vaguest of rejections where physical pain streams through my arms (it's a form of rejection sensitivity disorder) but on the flipside I also get this rush of joyful vibrations that run through my arms and gush into my heart and brain when my favourite songs come on, or someone brings tasty smelling food to the table (an old boss of mine would often comment on my food wiggle when out for lunch - now that I realise it was sensory euphoria causing me to stim excitedly I am so grateful he didn't make me feel weird about it.).

Music is pretty key for me when it comes to filling my life with sensory euphoria, and attempting (inconsistently) to avoid autistic meltdowns (where I can end up harming myself if it goes beyond my control). Since a young age I've had playlists or tracks that'd I'd listen to on repeat for 15 minutes or more whenever I started getting overloaded (once a day on a good day or up to 10 times on a bad one). I learnt early that it regulated me and helped me stem the breakdowns. But the beauty is that music doesn't just calm me, if I time it right it can create a complete switch within my body. It's why I've loved every minute of DJing - getting one track perfectly in time to another is a moment of complete euphoria for me.

And now that I'm paying attention to this joyful side of my autistic experience as much as the painful side, I realise there are a whole host of other things that spark sensory euphoria for me too. Hanging upside down from a tree is something I often do at parties now when I'm feeling overwhelmed and it sparks a huge and beautiful release. Simply eating crunchy peanut butter also has this effect, so when I'm overwhelmed at home with the kids I'll munch on peanut butter mixed with oats to regulate myself and at times turn sensory overload that manifests as physical pain into something closer to joy.

And if I'm honest sex and orgasms are also a really big part of what I've used unwittingly in the past, and now knowingly, to help my autistic brain. From teenage years until I met my current partner I pretty much masterbated at least five times a day to help me focus on school or to help me hold in meltdowns and outbursts at work. It sounds fun (or funny?) to some people but the lengths I went to, and the resourcefulness I had to use, as a kid with no resources and no support with being autistic is actually pretty sad. I was stress wanking. That's all it was. And I was stressed ALL THE TIME.

When I met my partner a few things happened: I experienced a lot more possibilities with sex, I felt more secure and supported, and he started to help me to unravel my brain safely and with compassion. As a result masterbation stopped being a coping mechanism (mostly), and orgasms also started to unlock a profound sensory euphoria. Until that point I hadn't allowed myself to experience the full possibilities of this level of euphoria, because I'd been using both sex and music to regulate the immense amount of pressure my brain was under every day - and I was focussed on not letting myself fall apart publicly and embarrassing myself, rather than allowing my body and mind to freely experience all that was possible.

These days my favourite orgasms are ones where I am overcome with unstoppable loud laughter. I literally feel pure joy running across every inch of my body, far beyond my control. Some neurotypical people may feel like this just describes their version of an orgasm, but I know it is sensory euphoria for me because I'd experienced enjoyable orgasms before allowing myself to fully learn to let myself go and this is something entirely different (read this about sexual experiences to explore more around what sex might mean to you). And much like my other sensory euphorias, sometimes my partner and I use it to tip the balance. I'll be heading towards an autistic meltdown - which for me is a form of release that both exhausts me and actively harms me - and if he catches me in time we can do a complete U-turn through our sex. It releases my brain overwhelm and converts the coursing pain that I experience in these times into pleasure.

Ultimately the only place I feel safe to be my full vibrant autistic self is when I'm having sex, hanging from a tree or dancing to the music I've specifically curated. The rest of the time my body and brain feels at best like it's treading water or at worst about to explode - which is precisely why I won't stop talking about sex.

I'd love to write or talk more about how you can support autistic people to experience and enjoy the sensory euphoria that many of us are capable of accessing. And I'd also like to spend time learning from others around other possibilities they've come across when it comes to transforming pain into pleasure. So let me know what your reflections are!

In the mean time if you need a new music playlist that has some euphoric tunes then check out my upcoming set list for Stowaway Festival!

Being polyamorous 'in principle' could unlock a lot more pleasure

I often say to my monogamous friends that the freedom to be polyamorous has actually made it a lot more possible for me to be monogamous if I ever wished to or needed to be. For me polyamory is very much like an orientation, it is part of who I am and extends well beyond sexual or romantic relationships. The fact that my partner, Nick, embraced every layer of my polyamory wholeheartedly meant that he was the first person to experience the entirety of me, and as a result the type of sex, communication and experiences we share fulfils a lot of my polyamorous nature.

Many people wrongly perceive polyamory as being about dating and sleeping with multiple people. I do have two partners and a few quite affectionate friends, but much to people’s disappointment my pansexual polyamorous self is actually very choosy when it comes to who I sleep with. Because when I can have all the pleasure in the world with my partner why would I want to just sleep with anyone?

So given that many monogamous people’s biggest fears is that polyamory or open relationships will lead to their partner leaving them, I want to share all the ways that being ‘polyamorous in principle’ might actually bring you closer together and create a more fulfilling relationship.

False lines create walls

Apparently in our society we are either friends, lovers or partners. Nothing in between because that’d be crossing a line. But surely those lines aren’t the same for everyone in every context. I could hold one person’s hand under the table and it could signal a deep desire, or I could hold someone else’s hand and it might just be for reassurance. I have had plenty of sex where it’s been flat and meaningless, but the way someone has made me laugh has got me thinking I’m falling in love with them.

When you constrain yourself to only talking about having feelings and attraction to one person you limit your capacity to connect authentically to others, and you limit what you share with your partner too.

When I first opened up my marriage the the most important thing that changed was my capacity to make deeply caring and affectionate friendships because there was no longer any fear from me or others about developing feelings. I could smile at someone, joke around, flirt, hold hands, give long embraces without it being cause for concern - and this meant I was simply more open with more people and made lots of new friends as a result.

And when I did catch feelings that felt more intimate it also meant I didn’t need to rush things if I didn’t want to. All too often someone has to make the choice between their long-term partner and someone they’ve developed a huge secret crush for or affair with. If we all decided to be more polyamorous up front you could build affectionate relationships openly, with your partners knowledge of it, and it'd actually reduce the risk that you’ll suddenly decide to leave.

Fantasising as a team sport

After a year of my current partner and I being polyamorous I’ve slept with one other person and he hasn’t slept with or dated anyone else at the moment. But being open to the possibilities means we discuss attractions and potential scenarios pretty much every other day. Whether it’s discussing what either or both of us like about someone we bump into in a cafe, talking about imaginary (but possible) scenarios like one of us dating a woman who was seeking to have children or accidentally sleeping with someone we didn’t realise was a little misogynistic, or running full blown detailed accounts of what we hope will happen on an upcoming date or holiday with someone. When we fantasise together we learn so much more about the other person. We get to witness and enjoy each others faces when we say something unexpected, or delight in the way one another talks about people they fancy.

Through fantasying together we deepen our relationship and we get to conjure all the feelings. And even though I’m going to be over the moon when my partner or I find other people we share love and intimacy with, the pleasure that fantasizing brings to our every day conversation can actually be just as good as if the real thing happened.

Jealousy helps us identify our needs

Funnily enough the most jealous I’ve been when my partner and I have talked about other people was not actually anything to do with people he wanted to sleep with or had slept with in the past. Instead it was to do with his breathwork training. At the root of my jealousy were feelings of inadequacy. When he was doing a transformational breathing session I wanted to be able to experience it with him but found breath work challenging and traumatising - we resolved this by asking for me to watch the session. A few weeks later he wanted to run a session with a whole load of new people and I was triggered again, so I dug a bit deeper. What I I found was that there were a whole load of other stuff going on in my life that I wanted attention from him around - it was completely unrelated to him meeting new people or doing something he enjoyed - I just needed more affection and reassurance as I navigated some challenging things in my own life and I hadn’t worked out how to vocalise that properly.

I’m actually learning to enjoy experiencing jealousy now because it helps me to see and communicate more of what I feel I need, rather than letting it bubble away under the surface. Jealousy keeps me alert around my insecurities and helps me to become a more confident person. It isn’t something to fear, or to use to stop your partner from doing something that brings them joy, but you can both work to understand where it’s coming from and try to transform the experience of it together.

Communication that keeps you connected

Whether it’s fantasising together, working out what different layers of different relationships mean, processing jealousy, or simply navigating the logistics of your calendars; being polyamorous requires a lot of communication. If people saw the amount my partners and I communicated they might find it a bit overwhelming, but we make the most of every single moment of time together. There’s no repetitive evenings full up with hours of endless TV shows or work emails. Instead we are experiencing every moment together: chatting, cooking, eating, having sex, planning trips and dates, and of course encouraging each other to take lots of time for ourselves to recharge too.

Through this our communication is continuous and clear as it can be as our world expands and we bring more into our lives. Each step of the way we help each other process challenging things, and we spend time savouring all of the pleasurable moments through talking and reflecting on them.

Falling in love over and over again

With so much to discuss together, and so many opportunities for others to shine a light on the parts of your partner that are attractive, I find myself falling in love with each of my partners over and over again. In fact when the two of them talk to me about one another I often find myself seeing both of them with fresh eyes each time. I still remember one of the first times I went out with the two of them at the same time, watching them laugh and joke almost exploded my heart with how much love there could be within that room. So you may be monogamous in practice, but allowing yourself to fall a little more in love with others, and letting others fall a little bit in love with you, has so much potential to expand the love you share with your partner beyond what you thought was possible.

All the resources: 9 questions to improve your sexual experiences

This is a TLDR (too long didn’t read) version of this blog post - sharing simply the questions you might want to explore around your sex life and a set of resources and content I’d recommend!

1. What is your current sexuality?

2. What is your relationship with orgasms?

3. What are your pleasure spots?

4. What are your yes, no’s, maybes?

5. What are your communication needs and styles?

6. What heightens or dulls your senses?

7. What trauma have you experienced and how might surface in sex?

8. What are your fantasies and how can you interpret those?

  • And just for fun I absolutely LOVE this ADHD Erotica idea from @RemodeledLove

9. What is sex to you?

9 questions to improve your sexual experiences

At the start of 2021, in spite of being sexually active for most of my life, I put a pause on my sex life. I came out as a rape survivor, I questioned my sexual orientation endlessly, I fell deeply for someone other than my spouse. At this point we decided to open up our marriage but after a few exciting but fleeting attractions I resigned myself to the fact that I would only experience deep sexual pleasure with myself. Love was messy, my attraction seemed complicated, and with two young kids it felt selfish and painful to be pursuing anything more than the occasional awkward fling.

So instead I spent most of the year focussing on other pursuits that brought me joy, such as learning to DJ and growing my business, both of which gave me space to heal and really know myself. I was happy in my own company and was prepared to keep building my independence.

Until one day everything changed. I sparked a whirlwind connection with someone I’d only ever met through work zoom calls and on our first date we slept together in a hotel room in the middle of the afternoon and told each other we were deeply in love. It was the most intimate and spiritual experience I’d ever had, and from that day on it has only continued to expand - sex had become an entirely different thing and there was no going back.

Now, with a year of deep and transformational pleasure under my belt (and the tools I’ve learnt from navigating multiple sexual relationships during this time) I want to support other people to access the endless possibilities of sex and intimacy.

Whether you are partnered or single, this post provides 9 questions/conversation starters, along with examples and resources, that can help you to explore more of what you want, need and desire when it comes to sex. If you don’t want to read the in depth version you can skip to a list of questions and resources here. And if you benefit from this content please buy me a virtual coffee!


1. What is your current sexuality?

One of the biggest shifts for me with sex and intimacy was learning how to define and redefine my sexuality at any given point in time. These days I generally identify as a pansexual polyamorous switch non-binary person, but my queerness and gender is fluid, and my relationship with sex is different with different people at different points in time.

Even if you identify as a cis heterosexual person (or perhaps especially so?), I believe a healthy sex life requires you to be open to fluidity, and to think consciously about where you are on various spectrums in order to feel fulfilled sexually. Just because you are feminine and attracted to men, doesn't mean you can't enjoy experiencing being more dominant at times. If you are a queer person in a monogamous heternormative relationship, it doesn’t mean that you won’t want to/can’t engage in queer sex with your partner. And even if you don't generally identify with terms like asexual or demisexual it doesn't mean you won't find yourself in a period of your life where you find sexual intercourse entirely unappealing - and learning to communicate that is key if you don’t want to have bad experiences.

Resources to explore

2. What is your relationship with orgasms?

When I’ve asked female friends of mine this question they often struggle to answer it. And it's no surprise given the dominant narratives around orgasm in our society is that it should centre around male ejaculation. But the possibilities around orgasm / climax are endless, while it may also be entirely unnecessary for some people too.

When me and my boyfriend first had sex neither of us climaxed but we spent three hours enjoying each others bodies. We talked about it during and afterwards, to make sure we both felt satisfied. Since then I’ll regularly experience multiple orgasms. I've experienced "male" orgasms, he's experienced "female" orgasms. I've orgasmed fully clothed just through kissing. I've felt like the whole world orgasm at once when I first truly experienced penetrative orgasms. He's orgasmed from me experiencing pleasure, while I've felt like I was making myself ejaculate when I was giving him a blowjob. We discuss our orgasms after each experience, to learn what happened to our bodies and know what we might want to put into practice in the future.

But it might not all be pure ecstasy and pleasure. For example I have a specific relationship with giving myself orgasms: I used to masterbate 5 times a day because as someone with ADHD orgasms are often the only way I can reduce overwhelm and stress. And meanwhile there are millions of people like Nancy Stokes who have never been able to achieve climax, even through masturbation.

As you can tell there is so so much to discuss! So try talk in depth with yourself, your partners, your friends about what your relationship is with orgasms. You might unlock more pleasure for everyone, even if it’s just better conversation than the weather!

Resources to explore

3. What are your pleasure spots?

As mentioned earlier I've orgasmed fully clothed just through kissing. We only discovered this because of a health condition that meant I couldnt have intercourse for a while. But there might be specific areas of your body that send shivers down your spine or get the good juices flowing. Areas which might not be orgasmic but bring you just as much pleasure. For instance, I have a point on my head that when scratched makes me go all wobbly - one of my partners calls it my kitten spot.

There are many reasons why engaging in sexual intercourse might not always be right for you. And exploring your body to understand what pleasure looks like, rather than simply racing to climax, might be just as rewarding to you and your partner(s).

Resources to explore

4. What are your yes, no’s, maybes?

All too often we get stuck in sexual scripts and routines that have always worked or feel safe enough. And many of us simply learn to mirror what is deemed as ‘acceptable’ in wider society. Spending time thinking about all the possible ways you could give and receive pleasure, and actively categorising them as something you are or aren’t willing to explore can help you broaden your sexual horizon.

And if there’s something on a partner’s ‘No’ list, that’s on your ‘Yes’ list that doesn’t need to feel shameful or limiting. We all have different desires and it can be empowering to know up front where your respective lines are. Plus if they see something that you want to explore that they haven’t felt able to voice in the past they might be up for going on that adventure with you.

Resources to explore

5. What are your communication needs and styles?

If you are engaging in sex and intimacy I hope with all my heart that you and all of your partners understand the basics of consent - if it’s not a clear YES, then take it as a No. But there is a hell of a lot more communication that is needed for a healthy sex life than basic consent. If you struggle to communicate verbally you might want to find ways of showing your partner what you like, or asking your partner to show you things. On the flip side, if you are like me you might struggle to read body language and facial expressions, so I often want my partners to tell me verbally what they enjoy and when they are feeling uncomfortable to ensure I don’t misinterpret things.

Resources to explore

6. What heightens or dulls your senses?

One of the reasons I didn't have access to deeply enjoyable and sensual sex before was because I struggled to be there in my body. I might’ve been whirring through thoughts in my head with anxiety, or completely absent due to the fact I may have experienced a trauma trigger. Once I understood this I could put in place things which would keep be grounded and focussed on the joys of the experience. In addition as a neurodivergent person I understand now that I can be overstimulated to the point where sometimes my senses need to be calmed. Music is key to me feeling relaxed within my body so playlists are a big turn on for me. In addition my partner introduced me to breath work which can both calm my body, and make space for a heightened physical sensations when we come to having sex.

Resources to explore

7. What trauma have you experienced and how might surface in sex?

We have all experienced some trauma when it comes to sex and intimacy. Whether it’s an embarrassing moment that brings about fleeting feelings of shame and fears of rejection, or a much deeper wound that requires a lot of time and care to heal. It can feel scary to confront and talk about, particularly early on in a relationship, or when the trauma happened a long time ago. But as I started to regularly process my trauma responses with my partner we built a deeper connection and we actually learnt how together how to use sex to rewire and heal my painful experiences from the past.

Resources to explore

8. What are your fantasies and how can you interpret those?

One of the big things I often say about polyamory is that the openness to ‘the possibility’ has actually created the conditions to be entirely happy and fulfilled in a monogamous relationship if I wanted to be. Because it is okay for me and my partners to fantasise about other people we often find that actually we can get plenty of fulfilment simply through discussing what those fantasies mean to us, what it is that turns us on and how we can seek more of that within our relationship together.

Because we live in such a sex negative society many of us are too fearful to even fantasise about what’s possible and what we'd find desirable. But there’s no harm in fantasizing, and understanding what drives those fantasies can actually bring you closer to yourself and your sexual partner(s)

Resources to explore

  • And just for fun I absolutely LOVE this ADHD Erotica idea from @RemodeledLove

9. What is sex to you?

With sex being so astoundingly taboo in our society - and when it does only very narrow, heteronormative styles of sex dominating the mainstream media - it’s no wonder many of us have such limited enjoyment from sex.

For me sex extends well beyond intercourse and foreplay. I’ve had conversations with friends that have felt more intimate, sexy and pleasurable than a full-blown orgasm. And it was only when I no longer desperately sought a particular type of sex, that my experiences expanded beyond belief. Sex is limitless in my book. It helps me and my partner to process tricky topics, it unlocks entire worlds and new sensations, I feel continuous excitement of the never-ending possibilities of things to try and explore!

And when sex can be talked about freely among friends and partners we can all learn from each other, understand our healthy and unhealthy habits around it, practice communicating our boundaries, and benefit from more people who are actively concerned about our pleasure!

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