For the last 6 months I've been exploring the possibility that I might be Autistic. And I have got a LOT to say on this topic. But given this page is all about pleasure I want to share the most joyful aspect of my autistic experiences: sensory euphoria.
The day I learnt the word for this (thanks to Elora) a whole layer of my experience slotted into place. One of the reasons I didn't believe I had autism initially was because whilst there are many things that cause me to become burnt out due to sensory and emotional overload, there's also buckets of ecstasy that courses through my body when I experience certain sensory things too. I couldn't be autistic if 50% the time at crowded concerts I'd be overcome with ecstasy rather than anxiety?
But I realise now sensory euphoria and sensory overload are two sides of the same coin for me. For example, I have this thing whenever I experience even the vaguest of rejections where physical pain streams through my arms (it's a form of rejection sensitivity disorder) but on the flipside I also get this rush of joyful vibrations that run through my arms and gush into my heart and brain when my favourite songs come on, or someone brings tasty smelling food to the table (an old boss of mine would often comment on my food wiggle when out for lunch - now that I realise it was sensory euphoria causing me to stim excitedly I am so grateful he didn't make me feel weird about it.).
Music is pretty key for me when it comes to filling my life with sensory euphoria, and attempting (inconsistently) to avoid autistic meltdowns (where I can end up harming myself if it goes beyond my control). Since a young age I've had playlists or tracks that'd I'd listen to on repeat for 15 minutes or more whenever I started getting overloaded (once a day on a good day or up to 10 times on a bad one). I learnt early that it regulated me and helped me stem the breakdowns. But the beauty is that music doesn't just calm me, if I time it right it can create a complete switch within my body. It's why I've loved every minute of DJing - getting one track perfectly in time to another is a moment of complete euphoria for me.
And now that I'm paying attention to this joyful side of my autistic experience as much as the painful side, I realise there are a whole host of other things that spark sensory euphoria for me too. Hanging upside down from a tree is something I often do at parties now when I'm feeling overwhelmed and it sparks a huge and beautiful release. Simply eating crunchy peanut butter also has this effect, so when I'm overwhelmed at home with the kids I'll munch on peanut butter mixed with oats to regulate myself and at times turn sensory overload that manifests as physical pain into something closer to joy.
And if I'm honest sex and orgasms are also a really big part of what I've used unwittingly in the past, and now knowingly, to help my autistic brain. From teenage years until I met my current partner I pretty much masterbated at least five times a day to help me focus on school or to help me hold in meltdowns and outbursts at work. It sounds fun (or funny?) to some people but the lengths I went to, and the resourcefulness I had to use, as a kid with no resources and no support with being autistic is actually pretty sad. I was stress wanking. That's all it was. And I was stressed ALL THE TIME.
When I met my partner a few things happened: I experienced a lot more possibilities with sex, I felt more secure and supported, and he started to help me to unravel my brain safely and with compassion. As a result masterbation stopped being a coping mechanism (mostly), and orgasms also started to unlock a profound sensory euphoria. Until that point I hadn't allowed myself to experience the full possibilities of this level of euphoria, because I'd been using both sex and music to regulate the immense amount of pressure my brain was under every day - and I was focussed on not letting myself fall apart publicly and embarrassing myself, rather than allowing my body and mind to freely experience all that was possible.
These days my favourite orgasms are ones where I am overcome with unstoppable loud laughter. I literally feel pure joy running across every inch of my body, far beyond my control. Some neurotypical people may feel like this just describes their version of an orgasm, but I know it is sensory euphoria for me because I'd experienced enjoyable orgasms before allowing myself to fully learn to let myself go and this is something entirely different (read this about sexual experiences to explore more around what sex might mean to you). And much like my other sensory euphorias, sometimes my partner and I use it to tip the balance. I'll be heading towards an autistic meltdown - which for me is a form of release that both exhausts me and actively harms me - and if he catches me in time we can do a complete U-turn through our sex. It releases my brain overwhelm and converts the coursing pain that I experience in these times into pleasure.
Ultimately the only place I feel safe to be my full vibrant autistic self is when I'm having sex, hanging from a tree or dancing to the music I've specifically curated. The rest of the time my body and brain feels at best like it's treading water or at worst about to explode - which is precisely why I won't stop talking about sex.
I'd love to write or talk more about how you can support autistic people to experience and enjoy the sensory euphoria that many of us are capable of accessing. And I'd also like to spend time learning from others around other possibilities they've come across when it comes to transforming pain into pleasure. So let me know what your reflections are!
In the mean time if you need a new music playlist that has some euphoric tunes then check out my upcoming set list for Stowaway Festival!