Gender is an incredibly fluid concept for me these days and fully embracing that within myself, and exploring that with my partners, is what has enabled me to be more deeply connected during sex, and shown me the expansive possibilities of all the different ways we can be intimate with one another.
I used to be fairly repulsed by penises. It is what made me first presume I must be a gay woman. But now I realise I was actually a non-binary person with a masculine side I'd been hiding from. And it was through sex with one of my current partners that I was finally able to fully acknowledge this.
Your dick or mine?
I’ve talked in the past about how sex took on an entirely new meaning when I met my partner. One of the things that was different with him, in comparison to other seemingly heterosexual sex I’d had in the past, was that he was willing to explore our bodies in ways that extended beyond the rigid forms of sex I’d been used to. I still remember the first time he slid his up alongside my clitoris from behind me and the feeling of rubbing it against me as if I had a penis myself. My pleasure at feeling like his penis was mine got us both excited to play around with it in different ways and we discovered there were so many ways for us both to experience pleasure from sharing his penis. Playing around with how I straddled him so that as he moved inside me it felt like I was actually moving inside him, or lying on our backs with our legs intertwined and periniums touching while I wank him off.
Sometimes we’ll become so deeply connected that when he ejaculates from blow jobs or hand jobs I feel the pleasure run all through me too to the point where I’m more satisfied than if my own body had climaxed. And he has experienced the same through my orgasms too.
Phantom penises
I joked in a polyamory WhatsApp group I’m part of that a ‘one penis policy’ is ridiculous because sometimes I feel like I have a phantom penis. And it turns out it wasn’t just a concept I was making up and one of the people in the group shared a lecture on the topic of ‘energy genitals’
One of my favourite things to do with my partners is to press my clitoris right up on his perineum or on my other partners vagina. Sometimes when we connect in this way we can intensely focus on the sensations and it feels like my penis is inside of them. The first time I got myself to the point of climax like this with my partner said it felt like his boyfriend had just come inside of him.
Sometimes my brain experiences dysphoria if it comes out of the fantasy. And I’ve had extreme emotional meltdowns during sex at times as a result. Its why sex toys like double ended dildos don't work too well for me. It feels less like an extension of my body and that can create a dysphoria which rips me out of the moment.
Endless combinations
It’s not just different ways of using our respective genitals and ‘energy genitals’ that has made our sex so fluid and expansive. My partner often says he feels like he’s in a polyamorous relationship just with me because of the different energies we bring into our relationship and sex. There are times when we can do exactly the same sexual acts but one time it feels like we are boyfriends and the next time it feels like we are girlfriends. We’ve had times where the energy between three of us during a threesome has meant my partner’s penis hasn’t been present at all, and other times where it has been a central feature. And outside of sex sitting with my arms around my boyfriends shoulders in the cinema when he’s in a a super camp vibe is an incredibly profound and wholesome experience for me. He’s over 6ft and I’m only just 5ft 5, but somehow I can feel big and sturdy during those times. And other times I feel tiny in comparison to him as I snuggle up in his chest.
The binary disconnects us all
One thing I’ve realised through exploring different gender roles in sex and relationships is that heteronormative cisgender sex and binary roles limits all of us - regardless of you gender or sexuality. Our human bodies are capable of so much more pleasure than what is handed to us through gendered roles. The rigidity of how men and women are supposed to achieve climax (or in many heteronormative relationships how just the man climaxes) limits our sensual experiences and our capacity to truly see all the layers of our human experiences.
What gender fluid play have you tried? Do you experience any dysphoria with parts of you during heteronormative sex? How has the binary limited your experiences in the past?
I’d love to chat more to people who are in the process of exploring their gender beyond the binary, whether it’s in relation to sex or not, so I might start a little gender non-conforming pleasure WhatsApp chat. DM me on my instagram if you are interested!