Some of the biggest myths within our society centre around love as a “finite” resource. That we need to 'settle down’; that it is inevitable that sex and intimacy dries up eventually in all relationships; that the presence of multiple loving relationships is a threat; that if someone gives the same love and attention they give to you to someone else it makes their love for you lesser; that we must sacrifice ourselves for love.
But over this past year or two I've discovered that love is endlessly expansive. And that relationships are only relationships if they are forever changing and morphing and growing - being shaped by and shaping the people who are part of them. We were told to ‘settle’ so we could be controlled by our capitalist, patriarchal society. So that we would be in constant deprivation of all the love, and therefore separate ourselves from each other and from our own bodies, and instead seek comfort in other non-human forms.
Each time I have sex with my partners it unlocks a new level of understanding, of peace, of clarity, of joy. And each time I feel like I could both do that act forever and am overwhelmed by how much more there is to still explore. There isn’t enough time within our lifetimes to explore the expansive possibilities of sex. Which is a world removed from how I used to understand sex. The world I used to be part of told me that sex shrunk over time and wasn’t meant to be the centre of our relationships. (Of course when I say ‘sex’ I’m meaning far more than just intercourse and foreplay - sex is so many things now that I know even if my health does not allow for physical sex there are other ways of creating these endless experiences together.)
Each time I see my partners give their love and attention to another, the love between us continues to grow and expand. I still have to wrestle with the myths I’ve been told, sure, but I am mostly overcome with pure joy that it is possible for them to love at these depths. I see our love in a new angle or light from witnessing their love. And their love and my love for others is made possible, in part, because of the expansiveness of our love. There isn’t enough time to experience every layer of love to it’s full depths.
And when you get to a place where you know that love and sex and connection is a world of endless possibilities; when you understand that there isn’t enough time to even experience all the things you know are possible (let alone the things you’ve not yet understood); you learn to enjoy and savour each gift that love brings to you. To the point where you are experiencing the most profound layers of it even in the most mundane moments. That is expansive love.
It sounds like a dreamworld as I write this. And it is to many extents. But living in this space of endless love is not necessarily a walk in the park. It’s not like you suddenly become a human that is free of the societal shackles, or where love trumps every pain and discomfort in your life. In many ways I find I feel pain in deeper and spikier ways now because every inch of my soul and body is open to receiving love. I still feel the wrath of societal shame for my choices and judgemental concern from people who don’t understand that my security now stems from love rather than fear. So much pain and hate still exists among all of us. Moving to a place where love is a world of endless possibility requires us all to journey there, and that is a long journey for sure.
But knowing that that journey is indeed possible and that the narrow stories about what love looks like or feels like were incorrect - and that I’m not sacrificing myself any more for love but instead that I am love, we are love, and it’s expansive beauty is staring us right in our faces - that gives me hope and comfort through everything.