I often say to my monogamous friends that the freedom to be polyamorous has actually made it a lot more possible for me to be monogamous if I ever wished to or needed to be. For me polyamory is very much like an orientation, it is part of who I am and extends well beyond sexual or romantic relationships. The fact that my partner, Nick, embraced every layer of my polyamory wholeheartedly meant that he was the first person to experience the entirety of me, and as a result the type of sex, communication and experiences we share fulfils a lot of my polyamorous nature.
Many people wrongly perceive polyamory as being about dating and sleeping with multiple people. I do have two partners and a few quite affectionate friends, but much to people’s disappointment my pansexual polyamorous self is actually very choosy when it comes to who I sleep with. Because when I can have all the pleasure in the world with my partner why would I want to just sleep with anyone?
So given that many monogamous people’s biggest fears is that polyamory or open relationships will lead to their partner leaving them, I want to share all the ways that being ‘polyamorous in principle’ might actually bring you closer together and create a more fulfilling relationship.
False lines create walls
Apparently in our society we are either friends, lovers or partners. Nothing in between because that’d be crossing a line. But surely those lines aren’t the same for everyone in every context. I could hold one person’s hand under the table and it could signal a deep desire, or I could hold someone else’s hand and it might just be for reassurance. I have had plenty of sex where it’s been flat and meaningless, but the way someone has made me laugh has got me thinking I’m falling in love with them.
When you constrain yourself to only talking about having feelings and attraction to one person you limit your capacity to connect authentically to others, and you limit what you share with your partner too.
When I first opened up my marriage the the most important thing that changed was my capacity to make deeply caring and affectionate friendships because there was no longer any fear from me or others about developing feelings. I could smile at someone, joke around, flirt, hold hands, give long embraces without it being cause for concern - and this meant I was simply more open with more people and made lots of new friends as a result.
And when I did catch feelings that felt more intimate it also meant I didn’t need to rush things if I didn’t want to. All too often someone has to make the choice between their long-term partner and someone they’ve developed a huge secret crush for or affair with. If we all decided to be more polyamorous up front you could build affectionate relationships openly, with your partners knowledge of it, and it'd actually reduce the risk that you’ll suddenly decide to leave.
Fantasising as a team sport
After a year of my current partner and I being polyamorous I’ve slept with one other person and he hasn’t slept with or dated anyone else at the moment. But being open to the possibilities means we discuss attractions and potential scenarios pretty much every other day. Whether it’s discussing what either or both of us like about someone we bump into in a cafe, talking about imaginary (but possible) scenarios like one of us dating a woman who was seeking to have children or accidentally sleeping with someone we didn’t realise was a little misogynistic, or running full blown detailed accounts of what we hope will happen on an upcoming date or holiday with someone. When we fantasise together we learn so much more about the other person. We get to witness and enjoy each others faces when we say something unexpected, or delight in the way one another talks about people they fancy.
Through fantasying together we deepen our relationship and we get to conjure all the feelings. And even though I’m going to be over the moon when my partner or I find other people we share love and intimacy with, the pleasure that fantasizing brings to our every day conversation can actually be just as good as if the real thing happened.
Jealousy helps us identify our needs
Funnily enough the most jealous I’ve been when my partner and I have talked about other people was not actually anything to do with people he wanted to sleep with or had slept with in the past. Instead it was to do with his breathwork training. At the root of my jealousy were feelings of inadequacy. When he was doing a transformational breathing session I wanted to be able to experience it with him but found breath work challenging and traumatising - we resolved this by asking for me to watch the session. A few weeks later he wanted to run a session with a whole load of new people and I was triggered again, so I dug a bit deeper. What I I found was that there were a whole load of other stuff going on in my life that I wanted attention from him around - it was completely unrelated to him meeting new people or doing something he enjoyed - I just needed more affection and reassurance as I navigated some challenging things in my own life and I hadn’t worked out how to vocalise that properly.
I’m actually learning to enjoy experiencing jealousy now because it helps me to see and communicate more of what I feel I need, rather than letting it bubble away under the surface. Jealousy keeps me alert around my insecurities and helps me to become a more confident person. It isn’t something to fear, or to use to stop your partner from doing something that brings them joy, but you can both work to understand where it’s coming from and try to transform the experience of it together.
Communication that keeps you connected
Whether it’s fantasising together, working out what different layers of different relationships mean, processing jealousy, or simply navigating the logistics of your calendars; being polyamorous requires a lot of communication. If people saw the amount my partners and I communicated they might find it a bit overwhelming, but we make the most of every single moment of time together. There’s no repetitive evenings full up with hours of endless TV shows or work emails. Instead we are experiencing every moment together: chatting, cooking, eating, having sex, planning trips and dates, and of course encouraging each other to take lots of time for ourselves to recharge too.
Through this our communication is continuous and clear as it can be as our world expands and we bring more into our lives. Each step of the way we help each other process challenging things, and we spend time savouring all of the pleasurable moments through talking and reflecting on them.
Falling in love over and over again
With so much to discuss together, and so many opportunities for others to shine a light on the parts of your partner that are attractive, I find myself falling in love with each of my partners over and over again. In fact when the two of them talk to me about one another I often find myself seeing both of them with fresh eyes each time. I still remember one of the first times I went out with the two of them at the same time, watching them laugh and joke almost exploded my heart with how much love there could be within that room. So you may be monogamous in practice, but allowing yourself to fall a little more in love with others, and letting others fall a little bit in love with you, has so much potential to expand the love you share with your partner beyond what you thought was possible.