Yasmeen,
You’ve taught me so much in so many layers of my life and a lot of what I feel capable of holding within myself and within the spaces I facilitate is a result of you and your work. So it feels strange to write to you solely about a little protocol called “Oops/Ouch” that you introduced me to maybe 10 years ago now but the power of it is profound and for me demonstrates all the ways your impact has rippled out into the world, especially as I use it in pretty much every space I facilitate now.
However, I realise that as an autistic facilitator I can get fixated on explicit structures like these in a way that perhaps other facilitators pick up and drop, so perhaps you don’t even remember introducing me to this. Plus I’ve extended and adapted it to acknowledge the difference between people calling out something that’s harmful to them and something that feels potentially harmful to others, as well as being clear that the ‘ouch’ needn’t be explained if the person doesn’t have the words or energy.
So here’s the updated invitation I make of the groups I work with:
Oops - If you find yourself accidentally saying something that might be harmful - such as stereotyping, making jokes, or misgendering people - and you catch yourself doing so you can say “Oops” or “Sorry that was a bit of an oops moment”. You might even use it in situations where you’ve just blundered your words and its come out as more aggressive or flippant than you meant to. If someone acknowledges an ‘Oops’ the group responds with grace and doesn’t need to confront the person as they’ve already engaged with proactive learning and accountability.
Ouch - If you hear something said that is harmful to you, you can indicate it with a ‘Ouch’ or ‘That’s a bit of an ouch moment’. At this point, it’s important that the person who raised it is given a chance to explain if they wish to, but is not pressured to educate others if they aren’t in the headspace to do that work. Alternatively they might ask someone else in the group to explain why it’s harmful, or the group agrees to park that conversation and the individual that has caused harm can do some self-education outside of the space.
Woah - This is for if people witness a harmful interaction. It makes space for individuals to speak up on behalf of others. This is particularly important because if something harmful has occurred it’s likely those most affected by it might be fearful of calling it out, or be in a stress response and unable to process it fast enough.
It’s an amazingly accessible tool for normalising accountability for our words, slowing down to acknowledge harm, and consciously and collectively choosing how to respond. Not only do the people I facilitate tend to pick up and use it pretty quickly, but I’ve also been able to invoke it multiple times to help me navigate moments when I’m facilitating or chairing and have been knocked sideways by something someone has said.
The most recent time that I used it was in a room full of community researchers and funders. After a group of community researchers had spent an hour sharing their lived experiences, talking about how funders can centre diversity and inclusion, and speaking vulnerably about their work with marginalised communities, a white woman from a prestigious funding institution remarked “Everything you’ve said sounds great, but where do I actually find these people you are talking about? They are so hard to reach and no-one wants to do the EDI job at our organisation”
This was not only entirely ignorant of all of the knowledge everyone in front of them had just given her for the last hour, it also hit a sore spot for me personally. Having worked with unemployed young people for 5 years as part of Collaborative Future, and repeatedly hearing funders (that wouldn’t fund us) asking “how do I reach young people”, it reminded me of all the years our organisation and the young people we worked with repeatedly undervalued and overlooked. When I “ouched” the comment I became a little flustered at having to explain myself, and so a black woman from the same funder spoke up and said she also backed my ouch and had spent 10 years at this organisation being frustrated with the lack of progress that the team as making on these issues. In that moment I was reminded of just how transformative one simple ‘ouch’ can be - my voice gave way to other people’s voices, but without the easy microstructure we might both have stayed silent.
Oops/ouch normalises people being told they’ve hurt someone, without harsh judgement, and it normalises people being able to acknowledge their mistakes in the moment without overbearing shame. Not only does this microstructure make it easy for people to speak up and hold each other to account, it also gives people grace - which I feel is something you’ve gifted to me time and time again, and is the reason I can keep finding the strength and resilience to do this work. So in some ways when I hear those words, I feel your presence in the room. The calm collected being that you are, who says it like it is but with care and deep wisdom.
And what’s more is this little structure has informed so much of how I move through other spaces. In my romantic relationships, my friendships, with the housing co-op I live in, I am quicker to acknowledge harm and more confident to call stuff out as a result of practicing and witnessing again and again how to oops/ouch in facilitated spaces.
So thank you for gifting me a practice that keeps on giving.