This year I launched Holding Space for Change, a 9-month programme supporting change makers to develop their facilitation practices and reflect on what it means to hold space in the work and communities they are part of, alongside a beautiful bunch of collaborators. We are only 3 months into the programme together and a lot has changed for us all personally too - some of us have separated from long-term nesting partners while someone else in the group has gotten married; one of us has lost a parent and another has lost an aunt; we’ve changed jobs, moved houses, and shifted and changed as people in a multitude of ways.
Since the start of the year I myself have welcomed 5 new people into the housing co-operative I’m part of, moved into a new building, started an apprenticeship in carpentry, rekindled some somewhat estranged familial relationships, experienced two break-ups simultaneously and made a commitment to practicing monogamy after 6 years of polyamory. As I prepare myself to deliver our next workshop on ‘Reframing conflict’, alongside Abi, I am noticing what a hot mess of internal conflict I am myself. And it’s raised the question for me once again about what it takes to hold ourselves as space holders, and how we sustainably shift systems and change patterns when we are living those things every day. I want to understand more deeply what it takes to stay grounded within change - how do we find the right pace and rhythm for ourselves and for others, without descending into chaos or falling back into past patterns? These are just some of the things I’ve been noticing, but no doubt there’s more that we need to invest in as space holders in order to hold ourselves and others steady.
Self awareness and trauma responses
Even though this is probably the most intense period of my life, I’m noticing that I am able to keep moving through it with far more compassion and patience than I’ve ever embodied before. For me that’s been a result of a couple of things. I’m super attuned to my flight response these days and can give myself space to rationalise before acting. I can notice it and vocalise it to others. It’s taken me many years as a facilitator to notice when this occurs within spaces I’m holding, and it’s been thanks to many brilliant co-facilitators that I’ve been able to practice moving through these responses. But in day to day life it’s even harder for me to notice it because it happens multiple times a day, others around me are less attuned to these types of responses, and as an autistic person it can take me a while to connect with what’s happening in my body.
It’s also hard to work on your own patterns and regulation when others you might be working with might not have access to the same language or knowledge about their own experiences. It’s one of the reasons I like to introduce people to a simple fight/flight/freeze warm up they can do with groups they facilitate - it’s an accessible way for people to quickly learn from one another about how these responses might show up with in them and witness the patterns together when they play out in the room.
Interweaving cycles and patterns
Working with the Holding Space Collective has been truly liberating. The main thing I’ve noticed about how we work together is we are all willing to notice and speak to the ways our harmful narratives or cycles might be interwoven or in conflict when collaborating. We have a regular ‘equity check-in’ where we talk honestly about our relationship with the value exchanges going on. Fear, guilt, grief all show up in this space as we witness together how our early experiences of money might shape the way we respectively value ourselves now.
Unless we can see the systemic nature of the harmful cycles we might be stuck within, and work on that relationally, it’s almost impossible to create meaningful lasting change. Yes I’m a firm believer that the only person you can really change is yourself, but I also know that we all need to experience different responses from those around us in order to keep moving towards a different kind of existence.
On a different type of cycle, this week the Holding Space delivery team had a regrounding session where we talked about where we are on the change cycle. It was helpful to hear the different places we were all in within our personal and work lives, and to notice the pace at which we were moving or feeling resistance.
Faith
It’s safe to say that I’ve found myself in the ‘danger zone’ of the change cycle repeatedly over the last few months, but with the self knowledge I’ve developed and faith in the process I’ve been able to sit with that discomfort without racing to act or completely falling apart. Having observed Ramadan multiple times now it’s gifted me with a deeply embodied sense of what it means to have faith that discomfort will pass. I’m not suggesting that all facilitators should have a spiritual practice, but I think a more general form of ‘faith’ is important. Having faith in your process, in the people you are bringing together, or in the intentions and values you live by. And finding space and rituals that help you reconnect with that consistently when times are turbulent. The Holding Space community has a monthly peer group where we talk about our challenges together. I’ve been offering regular prep & debrief spaces to people who facilitate alone so they can enter their space with confidence, and let go of any uncertainty afterwards. But if communal space and routine like this aren’t accessible to you it could be as simple as having some quotes you ground yourself in - I re-read excerpts from the likes of Secrets of divine Love and Pleasure activism constantly.
Community and accountability
What I love about the Holding Space community is that there’s a bunch of people who are able to hold one another to account in their journeys. Within an organisational system, or a client / supplier relationship, the power dynamics are often too murky to truly experience that level of meaningful and caring accountability from others about how you are showing up and holding space. What’s more is that when a skill is so invisible and undervalued such as facilitation it can be hard to keep investing in your work and advocating for certain approaches. Being alongside others who believe in the value of this work has given me strength to keep going.
Joy, pleasure, possibility
While we have got a session about ‘imagination practice’ at the end of the Holding Space for Change programme, myself and Benedicta (who’s facilitating the session) expressed the other day our dubiousness about the imagination field. Having a good dose of skepticism is important because it keeps us grounded in reality and reminds us to make the work accessible and tangible to people. But these last few months have reminded me that getting to imagine (and experience) different possibilities is key to holding space for change. Drawing together with Abi about what our hopes for the Holding Space CIC is helped me put into words the tangible change we are trying to create. Experiencing enthusiastic ‘Yes’s’ from my peers galvanises my energy. Getting to laugh alongside people even when times are hard is what allows me to continue to move with ease rather than friction. When we are ‘Holding Space’ it can often feel quite serious or heavy, particularly if you are doing so in social justice spaces or in a leadership context. We need to know how to balance that with a lightness that keeps us all moving.
Rest
A transformational moment for me was when I read Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hershey about 7 years ago, and truly understood the ways that racial capitalism has shaped what ‘productivity’ looks like. Rest is still something that takes a lot of conscious work to prioritise for myself and others, and importantly how to get the balance right around who gets to rest, when. Initially it mostly informed how I treated the people I held space for; encouraging groups to take more breaks, inviting people to self-manage around their needs, reducing the amount of exercises I’m cramming in for everyone. But more recently I’m noticing the harmful effects of pushing myself beyond my brain and body's capacity, especially when I’m processing so much change. Adopting more consistent forms of rest, such as going to the community farm and having tea ceremonies on Mondays, making massage a central aspect of family life, and napping after long intense workshops have all enabled me to keep myself more grounded in my work. But it has been the community around me that has made this possible and I’m hoping that through the Holding Space collective and the programmes we run we can keep giving one another permission to rest as we need, and build resilience by stepping up when others need to rest.
If you’d like to develop your practices and be connected with others you might want to sign up to the Holding Space short series starting on 22nd September, or add your name to the waitlist for the next Holding Space for Change programme if you’d like to invest in a deeper learning experience.