I’m a relationship anarchist, who firmly believes that the value and expectations of a relationship should be defined by the people involved in it, not by societal norms and structures. So when one of my partners asked me to join him on his consultancy journey when setting up &Breathe in 2022 it felt much more important to me than any marriage proposal or commitment to living together might. What we learnt through that process was that this kind of shared entity actually gave us the structures for embedding the mutuality we sought within our relationship, without the need for a monogamous marriage. Regardless of how much either of us was able to work, we committed to paying ourselves the same income, and in turn this completely transformed my capacity and got me out of cycles that were making me poor both in terms of time and money. At first it was Nick that brought in a lot of the business, but in time the tides turned and I had built enough social capital and confidence to do the same.
Last year we also officially started living as part of a housing co-operative, and were explicit as part of that that we wanted to operate as individuals rather than a couple. As two non-hierarchical polyamorous people we navigate our romantic relationships as individuals, and we wanted co-operative living to dismantle some of the tendencies towards hierarchy and nuclear family dynamics that we had been noticing. Within the co-op each individual has their own tenancy agreement and pays the same rent as any other person regardless of whether they share a room with their partner - and we’ve also consistently addressed couple dynamics in how we are consciously navigating conversations etc. For a while Nick and I also had relationship accountability check-in every few months where I asked our friends to give us feedback around how we are showing up for them together and separately.
This year Nick took on a full-time job in London, and while I wondered what this might mean for both our living situation and our work partnership, I didn’t have any fears that as we grew as individuals we would consistently reshape our relationship around that. And that reshaping is now unfurling for me in a beautifully values-aligned way.
During the process of designing the Holding Space for Change programme, I realised I wanted to be able to commit to my co-facilitators in the same way Nick had committed to me. And I also wanted to be able to maintain my freedom as an individual in the same way I protect this in my romantic relationships. Which brought me to propose a new legal structure for all of the Holding Space offerings - Holding Space Together CIC. Through this entity I’m hoping to work with my peers to practice consent within decision-making and explore how we can pool our resources in ways that feel equitable. We’ll also practice accountability to the communities we support through this work. Alongside this collective endeavour those involved will continue to operate as individuals - taking on projects and collaborations that align with who we each are and what we each need.
I feel so lucky that I get to experiment with alternative models for relating - in my work, in my home-life and in my friendships and romantic connections. It is a millions miles away from the possessive nature of toxic monogamy and the ‘ownership over’ dynamics that are present in so many families and organisations . Every single relationship I invest in these days is a product of mutuality and creativity, rather than necessity or societal expectations. Each partnership in my life acts as a foundation for my wider community - each person I choose to relate deeply with understands what community means to me and as a result all of us are strengthened by those multitude of relationships - and I wish more people got to experience the power of this kind of connection in their lives.
If you’d like to go deeper with how you hold collective spaces and what it means to support groups to journey together apply to be part of the Holding Space for Change programme.