As an autistic person I often struggle to read when someone does or doesn't want to be touched, and I can also find some touch overstimulating. I've learnt explicitly asking someone if there's anywhere they hate being touched, or anywhere they love being touched can be both informative and a huge turn on for all involved.
I've also found because we are so cautious to explore our bodies and other people's bodies we often fail to vocalise or experiment with all the different ways we might enjoy touch. In my experience queer people tend to be a little more experimental because there is often gender fluidity to account for, but in other ways we are equally prescriptive as our heternormative peers.
One of the best things about being polyamorous is I learn new ways of touching and being touched all the time. And as a relationship anarchist physical intimacy can exist outside romantic or sexual relationships too.
So here's a variety of non-sexual and sexual ways of touching that you might enjoy.
Stroking collar bones
The first time my partner stroked my collar bone it released the weight of the world. It is one of the most useful and delicate bones in our body - it is the bone that gets broken most often. We should show it more care.
Do you feel soothing tingles when you stroke your own collar bone?
Walking fingers around a face
The first person to walk their fingers around my face was my son who was three at the time. His intense studying of me made us feel connected. And the pressure points he unlocked without knowing eased the mental stress that was building through parenting.
Try walking your fingers around the face of someone you love. Does it help you really see them? Do you notice the way they relax in response to certain points you touch?
Biting fingers
Our fingers do so much work in sex (and life) but so many of us don't consider them to be erotic within themselves. If you've never tried putting your fingers in someone's mouth, or never put someone's fingers inside yours you might be missing out. I find biting other people's fingers and knuckles also gives my jaw a much needed relief from clenching and gridning.
Forehead rocking
You don't have to exchange fluid to feel bonded with someone. I can spend ages rocking my head back and forth on my partners forehead. It releases pressure and makes me feel just as close as kissing.
Arm squeezing and butt massaging
My arms store a lot of energy. When someone squeezes them from top to bottom it is like they've squeezed all the bad juices out of me.
Also screw back massages. Our butts so so much work for us that having a good squeeze can sort you right out. This type of attention pre-sex also gets me feeling more loose and relaxed.
Chest clawing and pushing
A lot of people's relationship with their breasts is complicated. We festishize breasts like no other part of the body but the doesn't mean everyone wants theirs grabbed and fondled.
A lot of non-binary people I've dated have often preferred having their chest grabbed and pushed.
Kissing behind the ear
There are areas on our body that rarely get touched or even seen, so it can feel electric when they do. Do you remember the feeling of that whispering game as a kid? Being kissed behind my ear often evokes that fizzing energy for me.
Content warning... Things about to get more sexually explicit
Tracing pant lines
Too many people regardless of gender or sexuality rush straight in to getting down to business when sex is on the table.
I've been loving having the top and legs of my pants stroked and teased with. And cautious fumbling around pants can make me feel like a giddy teenager again.
Putting just the tip of a finger or bellend inside a vagina
Just because porn tells us deep penetration is the most enjoyable of sex it doesn't mean it is. My gspot is actually near the entrance of my vagina so the first time I orgasmed through penetrative sex was with someone who has a small penis. I used to think that having someone deep inside me was more connecting but actually we can sometimes experience more of each other when we keep a little distance.
Rubbing or licking a bellend like a clitoris
And if you have a penis you might be missing out on more intense orgasms by showing your whole shaft in someone's mouth or with vigorous hand jobs. Try going slower and gentler with just rubbing the top of your penis and you might unlock something more akin to a long intense clitoral orgasm.
Thrusting against a perineum or just below someone's Coccyx
And if you are like me and don't have a penis but wish you did don't fear. Our clitoris’ are powerful little fuckers. We all know (I hope) the joy and wonder of grinding our vulva and clit against someone else's wet vulva, but have you ever tried fucking someone's perineum or coccyx? The pressure often makes my clit feel much bigger and harder and I've been told my partners sometimes experience it as if I've got a penis as a result.
Tight binding mixed with slow stroking
One of my sensitivity issues is that touch can suddenly feel too soft or too hard. It's why I loved experiencing a harness and want to do more binding because the pressure across parts of my body was super grounding in a way that enabled me to enjoy slower and rougher touch.
Share your ideas: Are there any electricfying or soothing ways you like to be touched?