At the start of 2021, in spite of being sexually active for most of my life, I put a pause on my sex life. I came out as a rape survivor, I questioned my sexual orientation endlessly, I fell deeply for someone other than my spouse. At this point we decided to open up our marriage but after a few exciting but fleeting attractions I resigned myself to the fact that I would only experience deep sexual pleasure with myself. Love was messy, my attraction seemed complicated, and with two young kids it felt selfish and painful to be pursuing anything more than the occasional awkward fling.
So instead I spent most of the year focussing on other pursuits that brought me joy, such as learning to DJ and growing my business, both of which gave me space to heal and really know myself. I was happy in my own company and was prepared to keep building my independence.
Until one day everything changed. I sparked a whirlwind connection with someone I’d only ever met through work zoom calls and on our first date we slept together in a hotel room in the middle of the afternoon and told each other we were deeply in love. It was the most intimate and spiritual experience I’d ever had, and from that day on it has only continued to expand - sex had become an entirely different thing and there was no going back.
Now, with a year of deep and transformational pleasure under my belt (and the tools I’ve learnt from navigating multiple sexual relationships during this time) I want to support other people to access the endless possibilities of sex and intimacy.
Whether you are partnered or single, this post provides 9 questions/conversation starters, along with examples and resources, that can help you to explore more of what you want, need and desire when it comes to sex. If you don’t want to read the in depth version you can skip to a list of questions and resources here. And if you benefit from this content please buy me a virtual coffee!
1. What is your current sexuality?
One of the biggest shifts for me with sex and intimacy was learning how to define and redefine my sexuality at any given point in time. These days I generally identify as a pansexual polyamorous switch non-binary person, but my queerness and gender is fluid, and my relationship with sex is different with different people at different points in time.
Even if you identify as a cis heterosexual person (or perhaps especially so?), I believe a healthy sex life requires you to be open to fluidity, and to think consciously about where you are on various spectrums in order to feel fulfilled sexually. Just because you are feminine and attracted to men, doesn't mean you can't enjoy experiencing being more dominant at times. If you are a queer person in a monogamous heternormative relationship, it doesn’t mean that you won’t want to/can’t engage in queer sex with your partner. And even if you don't generally identify with terms like asexual or demisexual it doesn't mean you won't find yourself in a period of your life where you find sexual intercourse entirely unappealing - and learning to communicate that is key if you don’t want to have bad experiences.
Resources to explore
2. What is your relationship with orgasms?
When I’ve asked female friends of mine this question they often struggle to answer it. And it's no surprise given the dominant narratives around orgasm in our society is that it should centre around male ejaculation. But the possibilities around orgasm / climax are endless, while it may also be entirely unnecessary for some people too.
When me and my boyfriend first had sex neither of us climaxed but we spent three hours enjoying each others bodies. We talked about it during and afterwards, to make sure we both felt satisfied. Since then I’ll regularly experience multiple orgasms. I've experienced "male" orgasms, he's experienced "female" orgasms. I've orgasmed fully clothed just through kissing. I've felt like the whole world orgasm at once when I first truly experienced penetrative orgasms. He's orgasmed from me experiencing pleasure, while I've felt like I was making myself ejaculate when I was giving him a blowjob. We discuss our orgasms after each experience, to learn what happened to our bodies and know what we might want to put into practice in the future.
But it might not all be pure ecstasy and pleasure. For example I have a specific relationship with giving myself orgasms: I used to masterbate 5 times a day because as someone with ADHD orgasms are often the only way I can reduce overwhelm and stress. And meanwhile there are millions of people like Nancy Stokes who have never been able to achieve climax, even through masturbation.
As you can tell there is so so much to discuss! So try talk in depth with yourself, your partners, your friends about what your relationship is with orgasms. You might unlock more pleasure for everyone, even if it’s just better conversation than the weather!
Resources to explore
3. What are your pleasure spots?
As mentioned earlier I've orgasmed fully clothed just through kissing. We only discovered this because of a health condition that meant I couldnt have intercourse for a while. But there might be specific areas of your body that send shivers down your spine or get the good juices flowing. Areas which might not be orgasmic but bring you just as much pleasure. For instance, I have a point on my head that when scratched makes me go all wobbly - one of my partners calls it my kitten spot.
There are many reasons why engaging in sexual intercourse might not always be right for you. And exploring your body to understand what pleasure looks like, rather than simply racing to climax, might be just as rewarding to you and your partner(s).
Resources to explore
4. What are your yes, no’s, maybes?
All too often we get stuck in sexual scripts and routines that have always worked or feel safe enough. And many of us simply learn to mirror what is deemed as ‘acceptable’ in wider society. Spending time thinking about all the possible ways you could give and receive pleasure, and actively categorising them as something you are or aren’t willing to explore can help you broaden your sexual horizon.
And if there’s something on a partner’s ‘No’ list, that’s on your ‘Yes’ list that doesn’t need to feel shameful or limiting. We all have different desires and it can be empowering to know up front where your respective lines are. Plus if they see something that you want to explore that they haven’t felt able to voice in the past they might be up for going on that adventure with you.
Resources to explore
5. What are your communication needs and styles?
If you are engaging in sex and intimacy I hope with all my heart that you and all of your partners understand the basics of consent - if it’s not a clear YES, then take it as a No. But there is a hell of a lot more communication that is needed for a healthy sex life than basic consent. If you struggle to communicate verbally you might want to find ways of showing your partner what you like, or asking your partner to show you things. On the flip side, if you are like me you might struggle to read body language and facial expressions, so I often want my partners to tell me verbally what they enjoy and when they are feeling uncomfortable to ensure I don’t misinterpret things.
Resources to explore
6. What heightens or dulls your senses?
One of the reasons I didn't have access to deeply enjoyable and sensual sex before was because I struggled to be there in my body. I might’ve been whirring through thoughts in my head with anxiety, or completely absent due to the fact I may have experienced a trauma trigger. Once I understood this I could put in place things which would keep be grounded and focussed on the joys of the experience. In addition as a neurodivergent person I understand now that I can be overstimulated to the point where sometimes my senses need to be calmed. Music is key to me feeling relaxed within my body so playlists are a big turn on for me. In addition my partner introduced me to breath work which can both calm my body, and make space for a heightened physical sensations when we come to having sex.
Resources to explore
7. What trauma have you experienced and how might surface in sex?
We have all experienced some trauma when it comes to sex and intimacy. Whether it’s an embarrassing moment that brings about fleeting feelings of shame and fears of rejection, or a much deeper wound that requires a lot of time and care to heal. It can feel scary to confront and talk about, particularly early on in a relationship, or when the trauma happened a long time ago. But as I started to regularly process my trauma responses with my partner we built a deeper connection and we actually learnt how together how to use sex to rewire and heal my painful experiences from the past.
Resources to explore
8. What are your fantasies and how can you interpret those?
One of the big things I often say about polyamory is that the openness to ‘the possibility’ has actually created the conditions to be entirely happy and fulfilled in a monogamous relationship if I wanted to be. Because it is okay for me and my partners to fantasise about other people we often find that actually we can get plenty of fulfilment simply through discussing what those fantasies mean to us, what it is that turns us on and how we can seek more of that within our relationship together.
Because we live in such a sex negative society many of us are too fearful to even fantasise about what’s possible and what we'd find desirable. But there’s no harm in fantasizing, and understanding what drives those fantasies can actually bring you closer to yourself and your sexual partner(s)
Resources to explore
9. What is sex to you?
With sex being so astoundingly taboo in our society - and when it does only very narrow, heteronormative styles of sex dominating the mainstream media - it’s no wonder many of us have such limited enjoyment from sex.
For me sex extends well beyond intercourse and foreplay. I’ve had conversations with friends that have felt more intimate, sexy and pleasurable than a full-blown orgasm. And it was only when I no longer desperately sought a particular type of sex, that my experiences expanded beyond belief. Sex is limitless in my book. It helps me and my partner to process tricky topics, it unlocks entire worlds and new sensations, I feel continuous excitement of the never-ending possibilities of things to try and explore!
And when sex can be talked about freely among friends and partners we can all learn from each other, understand our healthy and unhealthy habits around it, practice communicating our boundaries, and benefit from more people who are actively concerned about our pleasure!
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